Hello My Name Is ...

cannibalance asked: how long did the first sitting for your sidepiece take?

My artist is extremely fast with throwing down lines so it took overall 2 hours including set up, clean up and a few bathroom & smoke breaks.

Lessons learned.

I’ve learned over the years that it is a fallacy to believe that others will treat you the same as you treat them, or that others house the same ideals on morality and loyalty.  I have been manipulated and for a lack of better terms “screwed over” in relationships (of all kinds) since a young age.  I have watched as others had weaknesses in remaining loyal when they caught sight of something they wanted.  In the end I realized that while I got hurt I can still look forward and tell myself that I at least have morals and take loyalty very seriously and can think highly of myself.  I won’t let this ruin my stance of romantic or friendly relations because I will forever be loyal and never let my “desires” drive me to betray those I made a commitment to stand by and be loyal too. 

In chaos I still remain loyal, people can betray me and yet I still defend their reputation so that others do not judge them for their wrong doings.  I maintain respect so that no one treats them unfairly simply because they did wrong by me.  They can pity themselves, tarnish my name and paint me as a terrible person if it makes them feel better about themselves or help them to justify their betrayal.  Those who I care about know the real me and those who don’t can believe whatever is told to them because at the end of the day they do not know me, they do not know the real me, only the person someone painted me to be in order to provide themselves with some kind of defense and to develop an army to be on their team.

You lost the most loyal person you had, just remember when you point a finger at others there will always be three pointing back at you to remind you of your own flaws. If you have nothing nice to say about me please refrain from saying anything at all it will only make you look foolish.  The pity party is also very over rated just own your wrong doing and don’t try to drag others down with you by stirring up falsified stories.

IIII II

March 16, 2012. Mental warfare insomnia.

The mind is above all mysterious, baffling those who have spent their lives studying it. Brilliant individuals striving to explain the wonders of brain functioning. Theories have been formulated, studied, researched and terms coined but is the mind something to consume you and everything you are. Sometimes I wish my mind would short wire into a mind that worked in a more simplistic manner. A mind that is meticulous, that calculates every move, word or story it is introduced is beyond tiring. A mind that can detect fallacies in stories and fixates on the many holes left behind determined to piece together the truth and find a solution. A mind that cannot rest until it is aware of what it does not know or until is it provided with all information. While my personal self wishes to no longer care and wishes to just forget and look past the missing pieces my mind simply takes over and makes living and loving a challenge. My mind is not satisfied until all pieces to the puzzle are connected, until all colors in the pallet are filled. It is amazing that the moment all holes are filled that the problem seems to disperse and disappear into a part of the mind that forgets. I just wish my mind wouldn’t detect such things so I could find sleep, find trust, find love and to just live. At the same time I enjoy the thrill of a challenge or the need to compete a puzzle and that I can always seek the truth. I just want this to l go away in one final sitting, one final meeting so that it can be forgotten with no holes for my mind to fall into and investigate relentlessly. My mind is unique and those who do not have things to hide love it while those who have not revealed all truths not only fear it but disdain it. My mind is stressful and creates many problems but in the end it is very easy to appease. Please help my mind find ease and forget what has plagued it for what’s felt like an eternity.

I at least deserve that much regardless of what is revealed it will be buried and will not cause issues it will simply allow my mind to stop and forget everything so that life and love can go where I want it to be. I can’t forgive and forget what I don’t fully know. It will not change anything except for a satisfied mind and a new beginning.